The Worst Year and The Worst Days and Nights
Game On / Game Over
There was no chance that I was going to make anything of my day, even less chance that my life would be significant in the long run; my existence will certainly yield less than a series of detached irony and absurd stories and songs.
But all of that changed ten minutes ago.
Yeah... No chance that I will understand the root of my problem; chances are.... chances are merely forgotten variables which may likely break a poor spirit; besides all the comedy, the endings are all the same.
Games.
Put on your dancing shoes; I am going to call you see if you will talk to me today. But chances are you won't pick up the phone. I think I know what I did wrong, but for him to write me off was never part of the plan.
Game on?
Game over?
I have to get off the bench one way or another.
wait until you have a good answer.
then decide.
And we are back.
Taking mental notes.
GAD by the anonymous wendy clark hudson
Ah, the unknown. Let’s take inventory now.
I will start by babbling first: you are who you know you are
for the most part, anyway; you play the games, sing the songs, buy the gadgets, dream, grieve, sleep, love, hate, beat yourself up, bring others around, and eventually, you deal with what you
got. You are a learning mechanism. You are a machine! You, my friend, are quite impressive.
The Exception Because I love to remind everyone that there is at least 0.5 exceptions to every sketch of floundering human subjective self-research; the exception is the invention of abstract thinking. Take a metaphor - the deck of cards (or the mere hand, in many cases) with which you were bestowed at the time of your birth, was very chemical indeed. We are endogenous organisms who descend from the separately chaotic gene pools of two exogenous beings and we are the ecology of our own slowly actualized subjective realities.
The Exception Because I love to remind everyone that there is at least 0.5 exceptions to every sketch of floundering human subjective self-research; the exception is the invention of abstract thinking. Take a metaphor - the deck of cards (or the mere hand, in many cases) with which you were bestowed at the time of your birth, was very chemical indeed. We are endogenous organisms who descend from the separately chaotic gene pools of two exogenous beings and we are the ecology of our own slowly actualized subjective realities.
The Whatever My issue is this I am bothered by a genetic piece of my consciousness which has lead me to beat the “condition” around, using my self as a spokesperson for my case study. Here in America, we are losing awareness of awareness – like subconscious beings. I will bore you with the obvious generalization of the technologicalization of discourse and destructional progress of our species’ evolution, and warped interpretation of self-actualization. Old Abe Maslow would be horrified by the glazed, unshining eyes of our world. Boring. Boring and dull and whatever. “Whatever” being what ever it is, I was diagnosed Panic Disorder (then later was diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)); not a casual problem which is a part-time life disruption or average anxiety, and it is constant and is the result of nothing at all – all the time - my brain and body and blood are pulsating with the rolling poison just below the surface of the unsafe mind, and I am madly aware of my self-conscious response to my unsympathetic cognition. I went to a certified psychotherapist, a few biofeedback specialists, a psychiatrist or three and years later, I have conquered some ugly pieces of the puzzle but as I found out at one session the inevitable truth of my condition: "Sorry kid, this ain't goin' away." The general population does not understand chronic panic because only about one in seventy five people have the actual disorder. The other seventy-four of people have no actual real understanding. (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/anxiety-disorders/complete-publication.shtml) This is awesome, of course, because I would never project the magnitude of the attack upon my best enemy and hope you never have to understand… although, I have to get to the point in fact.
The
Message If you do not have this disorder and thus have no experience, please do not be an informant. DO NOT share your
thoughts, “cures,” holistic, religious, nutritional, etc., What people don’t know about this disorder is that those of us who have it are fighting for our lives. And believe me you – you know
absolutely nothing about it.
The
Tangent I was looking for a new job when I wrote the first draft of this essay; I had to cite some professional sources to support my facts and opinions. I have a BA in English
and Psychology minor (so I know how to spot BS) and as former English teacher, I was trained to know better - stealing ideas and plagiarism and misleading your audience is not the way to express
ideas, opinions, claims, facts... or get through to others, and while researching, I read through many articles that were SCAMS and promoted Panic and Anxiety Disorder to sell books, medications,
natural and homeopathic herbs and relaxation tapes, etc., for example: http://www.anxietypanic.com/ This Linden dude is a con artist who has another website which tells people how to make money off anxiety solutions. Other sites speculate on the
general causes and provide some information, but only because they would not be the number one website if they didn’t – but if you have Panic Disorder you will see through the obvious
non-facts that make us look like pathetic liars: http://health.yahoo.com/anxiety-causes/panic-attacks-and-panic-disorder-cause/healthwise--hw53833.html. Oddly enough, people are trying to make a profit by tapping into a new market of
our new world of terror. It is not appropriate to say how these websites (and yes, there are millions of disorders and millions of these websites and millions who don’t look for credible
research and get no help) should be _______. (exposed/shook violently/robbed/imprisoned/other) The Search Please type in the word “journal” and your search engine will find the information
written by researchers and experts – be aware that if there are no citations, you are not reading a credible source. Please spread the word. ->Here are just a few of the many good sites:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/anxiety-disorders/complete-publication.shtml http://www.algy.com/anxiety/gad.php http://algy.com/anxiety/anxiety.php http://www.algy.com/anxiety/famous.php http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-17776042.html http://www.medhelp.org/tags/show/10339/-Panic-Attack- http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/anxiety.html Thanks to these people for not misleading the masses.
____________________________________________________________________________________ This is one great article from the NIH: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/anxiety-disorders/complete-publication.shtml People with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) go through the day filled with exaggerated worry
and tension, even though there is little or nothing to provoke it. They anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about health issues, money, family problems, or difficulties at work.
Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety. GAD is diagnosed when a person worries excessively about a variety of everyday problems for at least 6 months.13 People
with GAD can’t seem to get rid of their concerns, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants. They can’t relax, startle easily, and have
difficulty concentrating. Often they have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. Physical symptoms that often accompany the anxiety include fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches,
difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness, having to go to the bathroom frequently, feeling out of breath, and hot flashes. When their anxiety
level is mild, people with GAD can function socially and hold down a job. Although they don’t avoid certain situations as a result of their disorder, people with GAD can have difficulty carrying
out the simplest daily activities if their anxiety is severe. GAD affects about 6.8 million adult Americans1 and about twice as many women as men.2 The disorder comes on gradually and can begin
across the life cycle, though the risk is highest between childhood and middle age.2 It is diagnosed when someone spends at least 6 months worrying excessively about a number of everyday
problems. There is evidence that genes play a modest role in GAD.13 Other anxiety disorders, depression, or substance abuse2,4 often accompany GAD, which rarely occurs alone. GAD is commonly
treated with medication or cognitive-behavioral therapy, but co-occurring conditions must also be treated using the appropriate therapies.
Treatment of Anxiety Disorders In general, anxiety disorders
are treated with medication, specific types of psychotherapy, or both.14 Treatment choices depend on the problem and the person’s preference. Before treatment begins, a doctor must conduct a
careful diagnostic evaluation to determine whether a person’s symptoms are caused by an anxiety disorder or a physical problem. If an anxiety disorder is diagnosed, the type of disorder or the
combination of disorders that are present must be identified, as well as any coexisting conditions, such as depression or substance abuse. Sometimes alcoholism, depression, or other coexisting
conditions have such a strong effect on the individual that treating the anxiety disorder must wait until the coexisting conditions are brought under control. People with anxiety disorders who
have already received treatment should tell their current doctor about that treatment in detail. If they received medication, they should tell their doctor what medication was used, what the
dosage was at the beginning of treatment, whether the dosage was increased or decreased while they were under treatment, what side effects occurred, and whether the treatment helped them become
less anxious. If they received psychotherapy, they should describe the type of therapy, how often they attended sessions, and whether the therapy was useful. Often people believe that they have
“failed” at treatment or that the treatment didn’t work for them when, in fact, it was not given for an adequate length of time or was administered incorrectly. Sometimes people must try several
different treatments or combinations of treatment before they find the one that works for them. Medications Medication will not cure anxiety disorders, but it can keep them under control while
the person receives psychotherapy. Medication must be prescribed by physicians, usually psychiatrists, who can either offer psychotherapy themselves or work as a team with psychologists, social
workers, or counselors who provide psychotherapy. The principal medications used for anxiety disorders are antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs, and beta-blockers to control some of the physical
symptoms. With proper treatment, many people with anxiety disorders can lead normal, fulfilling lives. Antidepressants Antidepressants were developed to treat depression but are also effective
for anxiety disorders. Although these medications begin to alter brain chemistry after the very first dose, their full effect requires a series of changes to occur; it is usually about 4 to 6
weeks before symptoms start to fade. It is important to continue taking these medications long enough to let them work. SSRIs Some of the newest antidepressants are called selective serotonin
reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs. SSRIs alter the levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin in the brain, which, like other neurotransmitters, helps brain cells communicate with one another.
Fluoxetine (Prozac®), sertraline (Zoloft®), escitalopram (Lexapro®), paroxetine (Paxil®), and citalopram (Celexa®) are some of the SSRIs commonly prescribed for panic disorder, OCD, PTSD, and
social phobia. SSRIs are also used to treat panic disorder when it occurs in combination with OCD, social phobia, or depression. Venlafaxine (Effexor®), a drug closely related to the SSRIs, is
used to treat GAD. These medications are started at low doses and gradually increased until they have a beneficial effect. SSRIs have fewer side effects than older antidepressants, but they
sometimes produce slight nausea or jitters when people first start to take them. These symptoms fade with time. Some people also experience sexual dysfunction with SSRIs, which may be helped by
adjusting the dosage or switching to another SSRI. Tricyclics Tricyclics are older than SSRIs and work as well as SSRIs for anxiety disorders other than OCD. They are also started at low doses
that are gradually increased. They sometimes cause dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, and weight gain, which can usually be corrected by changing the dosage or switching to another tricyclic
medication. Tricyclics include imipramine (Tofranil®), which is prescribed for panic disorder and GAD, and clomipramine (Anafranil®), which is the only tricyclic antidepressant useful for
treating OCD. MAOIs Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs) are the oldest class of antidepressant medications. The MAOIs most commonly prescribed for anxiety disorders are phenelzine (Nardil®),
followed by tranylcypromine (Parnate®), and isocarboxazid (Marplan®), which are useful in treating panic disorder and social phobia. People who take MAOIs cannot eat a variety of foods and
beverages (including cheese and red wine) that contain tyramine or take certain medications, including some types of birth control pills, pain relievers (such as Advil®, Motrin®, or Tylenol®),
cold and allergy medications, and herbal supplements; these substances can interact with MAOIs to cause dangerous increases in blood pressure. The development of a new MAOI skin patch may help
lessen these risks. MAOIs can also react with SSRIs to produce a serious condition called “serotonin syndrome,” which can cause confusion, hallucinations, increased sweating, muscle stiffness,
seizures, changes in blood pressure or heart rhythm, and other potentially life-threatening conditions. Anti-Anxiety Drugs High-potency benzodiazepines combat anxiety and have few side effects
other than drowsiness. Because people can get used to them and may need higher and higher doses to get the same effect, benzodiazepines are generally prescribed for short periods of time,
especially for people who have abused drugs or alcohol and who become dependent on medication easily. One exception to this rule is people with panic disorder, who can take benzodiazepines for up
to a year without harm. Clonazepam (Klonopin®) is used for social phobia and GAD, lorazepam (Ativan®) is helpful for panic disorder, and alprazolam (Xanax®) is useful for both panic disorder and
GAD. Some people experience withdrawal symptoms if they stop taking benzodiazepines abruptly instead of tapering off, and anxiety can return once the medication is stopped. These potential
problems have led some physicians to shy away from using these drugs or to use them in inadequate doses. Buspirone (Buspar®), an azapirone, is a newer anti-anxiety medication used to treat GAD.
Possible side effects include dizziness, headaches, and nausea. Unlike benzodiazepines, buspirone must be taken consistently for at least 2 weeks to achieve an anti-anxiety effect. Beta-Blockers
Beta-blockers, such as propranolol (Inderal®), which is used to treat heart conditions, can prevent the physical symptoms that accompany certain anxiety disorders, particularly social phobia.
When a feared situation can be predicted (such as giving a speech), a doctor may prescribe a beta-blocker to keep physical symptoms of anxiety under control. Psychotherapy Psychotherapy involves
talking with a trained mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, or counselor, to discover what caused an anxiety disorder and how to deal with its
symptoms. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is very useful in treating anxiety disorders. The cognitive part helps people change the
thinking patterns that support their fears, and the behavioral part helps people change the way they react to anxiety-provoking situations. For example, CBT can help people with panic disorder
learn that their panic attacks are not really heart attacks and help people with social phobia learn how to overcome the belief that others are always watching and judging them. When people are
ready to confront their fears, they are shown how to use exposure techniques to desensitize themselves to situations that trigger their anxieties. People with OCD who fear dirt and germs are
encouraged to get their hands dirty and wait increasing amounts of time before washing them. The therapist helps the person cope with the anxiety that waiting produces; after the exercise has
been repeated a number of times, the anxiety diminishes. People with social phobia may be encouraged to spend time in feared social situations without giving in to the temptation to flee and to
make small social blunders and observe how people respond to them. Since the response is usually far less harsh than the person fears, these anxieties are lessened. People with PTSD may be
supported through recalling their traumatic event in a safe situation, which helps reduce the fear it produces. CBT therapists also teach deep breathing and other types of exercises to relieve
anxiety and encourage relaxation. Exposure-based behavioral therapy has been used for many years to treat specific phobias. The person gradually encounters the object or situation that is feared,
perhaps at first only through pictures or tapes, then later face-to-face. Often the therapist will accompany the person to a feared situation to provide support and guidance. CBT is undertaken
when people decide they are ready for it and with their permission and cooperation. To be effective, the therapy must be directed at the person’s specific anxieties and must be tailored to his or
her needs. There are no side effects other than the discomfort of temporarily increased anxiety. CBT or behavioral therapy often lasts about 12 weeks. It may be conducted individually or with a
group of people who have similar problems. Group therapy is particularly effective for social phobia. Often “homework” is assigned for participants to complete between sessions. There is some
evidence that the benefits of CBT last longer than those of medication for people with panic disorder, and the same may be true for OCD, PTSD, and social phobia. If a disorder recurs at a later
date, the same therapy can be used to treat it successfully a second time. Medication can be combined with psychotherapy for specific anxiety disorders, and this is the best treatment approach
for many people. Taking Medications Before taking medication for an anxiety disorder: • Ask your doctor to tell you about the effects and side effects of the drug. • Tell your doctor about any
alternative therapies or over-the-counter medications you are using. • Ask your doctor when and how the medication should be stopped. Some drugs can’t be stopped abruptly but must be tapered off
slowly under a doctor’s supervision. • Work with your doctor to determine which medication is right for you and what dosage is best. • Be aware that some medications are effective only if they
are taken regularly and that symptoms may recur if the medication is stopped. How to Get Help for Anxiety Disorders If you think you have an anxiety disorder, the first person you should see is
your family doctor. A physician can determine whether the symptoms that alarm you are due to an anxiety disorder, another medical condition, or both. If an anxiety disorder is diagnosed, the next
step is usually seeing a mental health professional. The practitioners who are most helpful with anxiety disorders are those who have training in cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or behavioral
therapy, and who are open to using medication if it is needed. You should feel comfortable talking with the mental health professional you choose. If you do not, you should seek help elsewhere.
Once you find a mental health professional with whom you are comfortable, the two of you should work as a team and make a plan to treat your anxiety disorder together. Remember that once you
start on medication, it is important not to stop taking it abruptly. Certain drugs must be tapered off under the supervision of a doctor or bad reactions can occur. Make sure you talk to the
doctor who prescribed your medication before you stop taking it. If you are having trouble with side effects, it’s possible that they can be eliminated by adjusting how much medication you take
and when you take it. Most insurance plans, including health maintenance organizations (HMOs), will cover treatment for anxiety disorders. Check with your insurance company and find out. If you
don’t have insurance, the Health and Human Services division of your county government may offer mental health care at a public mental health center that charges people according to how much they
are able to pay. If you are on public assistance, you may be able to get care through your state Medicaid plan. Ways to Make Treatment More Effective Many people with anxiety disorders benefit
from joining a self-help or support group and sharing their problems and achievements with others. Internet chat rooms can also be useful in this regard, but any advice received over the Internet
should be used with caution, as Internet acquaintances have usually never seen each other and false identities are common. Talking with a trusted friend or member of the clergy can also provide
support, but it is not a substitute for care from a mental health professional. Stress management techniques and meditation can help people with anxiety disorders calm themselves and may enhance
the effects of therapy. There is preliminary evidence that aerobic exercise may have a calming effect. Since caffeine, certain illicit drugs, and even some over-the-counter cold medications can
aggravate the symptoms of anxiety disorders, they should be avoided. Check with your physician or pharmacist before taking any additional medications. The family is very important in the recovery
of a person with an anxiety disorder. Ideally, the family should be supportive but not help perpetuate their loved one’s symptoms. Family members should not trivialize the disorder or demand
improvement without treatment. If your family is doing either of these things, you may want to show them this booklet so they can become educated allies and help you succeed in therapy. Role of
Research in Improving the Understanding and Treatment of Anxiety Disorders NIMH supports research into the causes, diagnosis, prevention, and treatment of anxiety disorders and other mental
illnesses. Scientists are looking at what role genes play in the development of these disorders and are also investigating the effects of environmental factors such as pollution, physical and
psychological stress, and diet. In addition, studies are being conducted on the “natural history” (what course the illness takes without treatment) of a
variety of individual anxiety disorders, combinations of anxiety disorders, and anxiety disorders that are accompanied by other mental illnesses such as depression. Scientists currently think
that, like heart disease and type 1 diabetes, mental illnesses are complex and probably result from a combination of genetic, environmental, psychological, and developmental factors. For
instance, although NIMH-sponsored studies of twins and families suggest that genetics play a role in the development of some anxiety disorders, problems such as PTSD are triggered by trauma.
Genetic studies may help explain why some people exposed to trauma develop PTSD and others do not. Several parts of the brain are key actors in the production of fear and anxiety. 15 Using brain
imaging technology and neurochemical techniques, scientists have discovered that the amygdala and the hippocampus play significant roles in most anxiety disorders. The amygdala is an
almond-shaped structure deep in the brain that is believed to be a communications hub between the parts of the brain that process incoming sensory signals and the parts that interpret these
signals. It can alert the rest of the brain that a threat is present and trigger a fear or anxiety response. It appears that emotional memories are stored in the central part of the amygdala and
may play a role in anxiety disorders involving very distinct fears, such as fears of dogs, spiders, or flying. The hippocampus is the part of the brain that encodes threatening events into
memories. Studies have shown that the hippocampus appears to be smaller in some people who were victims of child abuse or who served in military combat.17, 18 Research will determine what causes this reduction in size and what role it plays in the flashbacks, deficits in explicit memory, and fragmented memories of the traumatic
event that are common in PTSD. By learning more about how the brain creates fear and anxiety, scientists may be able to devise better treatments for anxiety disorders. For example, if specific
neurotransmitters are found to play an important role in fear, drugs may be developed that will block them and decrease fear responses; if enough is learned about how the brain generates new
cells throughout the lifecycle, it may be possible to stimulate the growth of new neurons in the hippocampus in people with PTSD.23 Current research at NIMH on anxiety disorders includes studies
that address how well medication and behavioral therapies work in the treatment of OCD, and the safety and effectiveness of medications for children and adolescents who have a combination of
anxiety disorders and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. References 1. Kessler RC, Chiu WT, Demler O, Walters EE. Prevalence, severity, and comorbidity of twelve-month DSM-IV disorders in
the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005 Jun;62(6):617-27. 2. Robins LN, Regier DA, eds. Psychiatric disorders in America: the Epidemiologic
Catchment Area Study. New York: The Free Press, 1991. 3. The NIMH Genetics Workgroup. Genetics and mental disorders. NIH Publication No. 98-4268. Rockville, MD: National Institute of Mental
Health, 1998. 4. Regier DA, Rae DS, Narrow WE, et al. Prevalence of anxiety disorders and their comorbidity with mood and addictive disorders. British Journal of Psychiatry Supplement, 1998;
(34): 24-8. 5. Kushner MG, Sher KJ, Beitman BD. The relation between alcohol problems and the anxiety disorders. American Journal of Psychiatry, 1990; 147(6): 685-95. 6. Wonderlich SA, Mitchell
JE. Eating disorders and comorbidity: empirical, conceptual, and clinical implications. Psychopharmacology Bulletin, 1997; 33(3): 381-90. 7. Davidson JR. Trauma: the impact of post-traumatic
stress disorder. Journal of Psychopharmacology, 2000; 14(2 Suppl 1): S5-S12. 8. Margolin G, Gordis EB. The effects of family and community violence on children. Annual Review of Psychology, 2000;
51: 445-79. 9. Yehuda R. Biological factors associated with susceptibility to posttraumatic stress disorder. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 1999; 44(1): 34-9. 10. Bourdon KH, Boyd JH, Rae DS, et
al. Gender differences in phobias: results of the ECA community survey. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 1988; 2: 227-41. 11. Kendler KS, Walters EE, Truett KR, et al. A twin-family study of
self-report symptoms of panic-phobia and somatization. Behavior Genetics, 1995; 25(6): 499-515. 12. Boyd JH, Rae DS, Thompson JW, et al. Phobia: prevalence and risk factors. Social Psychiatry and
Psychiatric Epidemiology, 1990; 25(6): 314-23. 13. Kendler KS, Neale MC, Kessler RC, et al. Generalized anxiety disorder in women. A population-based twin study. Archives of General Psychiatry,
1992; 49(4): 267-72. 14. Hyman SE, Rudorfer MV. Anxiety disorders. In: Dale DC, Federman DD, eds. Scientific American® Medicine. Volume 3. New York: Healtheon/WebMD Corp., 2000, Sect. 13,
Subsect. VIII. 15. LeDoux J. Fear and the brain: where have we been, and where are we going? Biological Psychiatry, 1998; 44(12): 1229-38. 16. Rauch SL, Savage CR. Neuroimaging and
neuropsychology of the striatum. Bridging basic science and clinical practice. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 1997; 20(4): 741-68. 17. Bremner JD, Randall P, Scott TM, et al. MRI-based
measurement of hippocampal volume in combat-related posttraumatic stress disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 1995; 152: 973-81. 18. Stein MB, Hanna C, Koverola C, et al. Structural brain
changes in PTSD: does trauma alter neuroanatomy? In: Yehuda R, McFarlane AC, eds. Psychobiology of posttraumatic stress disorder. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 821. New York: The
New York Academy of Sciences, 1997. 19. Molavi DW. The Washington University School of Medicine Neuroscience Tutorial for First-Year Medical Students. (1997) Washington University Program in
Neuroscience. Retrieved November 16, 2005, from http://thalamus.wustl.edu/course. 20. Understanding Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders. Stanford University School of Medicine. Retrieved November 16, 2005, from http://ocd.stanford.edu/about/understanding.html. 21. Rolls ET. The functions of the orbitofrontal cortex. Neurocase. 1999;5:301-312. 22. Saxena S, Brody AL, Schwartz JM, et al.
Neuroimaging and frontal-subcortical circuitry in obsessive-compulsive disorder. British Journal of Psychiatry Supplement. 1998;35:26-37. 23. Gould E, Reeves AJ, Fallah M, et al. Hippocampal
neurogenesis in adult Old World primates. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences USA, 1999, 96(9): 5263-7.
Dew
on the bamboo Cooler than dew on the bamboo Is my cheek against your breast The pit of green and black snakes I would rather be in the pit of green and black snakes Than be in love with you. -Unknown
author translated from Sanskrit "anonymity is the better part of valor"
I wrote a fictional story for a book that got published about starting a new job.
I'm officially a published short story writer.
The First Hundred Days: How to Hit the
Ground…(Kindle Edition)
You’ve landed a great job. Now what?
When you show up for your new job on Day One, you’ll enter an unfamiliar world of unknown people and unwritten rules. If you want to succeed with your great new job, there’s a lot you have to learn. And learn fast.
You suddenly have a boss (who has great power over your day-to-day life). You’re part of a team whose members will make snap judgments about you.You’ll have to figure out what the heck is a “chain of command”... and why you’re on the bottom rung.
Your success—and perhaps your career—depends on the tangible results you deliver. But your job description barely mentions specific “results” (maybe you’re expected to guess…). Your performance will be measured, evaluated, and criticized in ways you never expected. Failure definitely is an option.
If this new world of work is confusing, The First Hundred Days can be your trusted guide to survival and success. Packed with practical advice, checklists, and personal stories, The First Hundred Days shows you how to handle work-related relationships, performance metrics, reputation management, and other career-building challenges.
This is the one book that will help you hit the ground running in a brand-new job… and show you how to become a rising star in your new career.
other people are on their way but they will show up later or not at all
I was finally a poet. Last October was another time, I
flipped through the pages of your diary and smiled, despite you.
"What else?" The question is important to you, but I
was a rookie poet, so I was still torn between rhyming and free verse, and so I was metaphysically flabbergasted, I asked for the check, I tipped my invisible hat at you, and I hoped you were
wondering to yourself in a shocked manner, what in the name of god is that "person" thinking? But in a good way and said with love, respect, and trust.
Love is respect is trust.
I unbuckled my seatbelt on the way home, but not
obviously, because this would just produce nothing, but secretively so that you would not know something that I knew, thus I would be very sneaky and risky and not afraid of death, hence I
was very above you and yours, and I lifted my head up when we pulled back into the driveway of Sonoran Mental Ranchito; I waved at myself in the rearview mirror.
Once upon a time, the event known as time had ceased to exist; and time was confused for the lack thereof, the event of time had perhaps stopped or had a glitch,
not unlike those found in many mechanical functions of existence, and the ones who were aware of this illogicality were far past the absurdity of the event and measured their miscalculations of
the past as subjective stretches of absence of reasoning mechanisms and interpretation.
I was a up and coming philosopher at this non-time, and I stood at the doors of the university for an undefined period which either lasted or did not last but I
knew that I had to do something and my uneasiness neither quickly nor slowly caught up to me because I had to make something out of nothing (again) and I did not know if I had the time to do this
quickly or slowly, so I did neither – I just was and my reckoning was both a vacuum and a void and after no time at all, it didn’t exist in quantifiable ideology so the amount of uncountless
frequencies were misplaced and my diagnosis was senseless.
I affectionally pronounced my new rank as superhero and was distracted by a redneck on a cellphone, sunburnt, unshowered with flip-flops screaming into here
scratched cellphone and I turn the car around and I parked behind the Albertsons and I was angry at the language I spoke and the words we took as an expression of what was important.
This is where we won't begin.
You are here.
This is where we won't begin.
In the middle.
In the middle we begin
This is the story of the end
As every ending – begins again
This is a story maybe
I live deep down town but I don't get out much anymore
So if you want me
Then why don't you come find me anyway
This is a story
Have I told you my side of the side?
If you start reading here
You will not get lost without me
If you start reading here and I am writing what you are reading here – I have combined these words in for you to read my story so that you are part of my story -it
wouldn't exist without you now would it? - and therefore you will get as lost as I am telling the story and you will get lost (and found with me) because I am telling the story to you as much as
you are in the story with me – my side of the story – my side of the mountain – our interpretation and we are lost and found and everywhere in between.
I wish I had something to write about but instead of being insincere and simply writing to read the letters of my own words, I couldn't think of why I wanted to
share my side of the misery. Longing for the sky to fall, I lifted my arm to the way you watched me speak and never gave me a nod of understanding
Immediately following my invitation to let the consequences of my rather superfluous choice not to contend, the concrete static of discontent wrapped it's cold,
barren arms around my barren neck and vanished; I struggled in the sudden constraint of the cape that had fastened onto my indolent essence and detached from the barriers of the science
concerning cause and effect, an anticontender – (TBC)-
Chances and leaks and writing your choices of the combinations led to another late Saturday night of places I had never been. Chances broke me again.
The combination was sickening anyway, a new insistent tone reverberated from your eyes, you mistook my gaze into your eyes as some invitation. My mind slapped my
tongue thankfully and I said calmly, “yes, it is just what you think,” and your laughter replaced the pause which I was certain to be the next sequential step in a series of my stupid unrehearsed
preconceptions, and I knew that all of them could see right through me.
“INVITE me,” I could have drawn the awful metallic glaze in my mouth and throat as the result blinked at surrounding stragers with no self-conscious mystery or
knowledge – how does a transition find a move to jerk itself into it's next position? I thought myself tired of being the comfort seeker.
I had to present my current options to myself. I smiled for a moment and felt my tear ducts moisten with the humour of my split second thought of perhaps developing
a powerpoint presentation to myself thematically representing the options I would need in order to effectively communicate myself to myself. But yes, I had to take inventory, dreadfully tense
because I had not done so in centuries and accurately and honestly, maybe never to one.
“Invite me to leave,” I shook as I stood and waited there.
The early morning sunrise was our timebomb and we revolted as the rays were in demand, regardless of what had happened so much sooner and days were missing you and
you didn't know.
I knew Max hadn't meant to die that summer evening. It wasn't intentional. But hell, that was seven years ago, and I never meant to live this long.
The revolt lasted no time at all
Balance?
“How would I describe it?” I repeated the sentence in the form of a question; I had no idea if it was an inquiry until I did so. I have heard how bad thing were on
the other side of the words, but because I knew I'd never get there, I didn't have to go fast. The words were in my head, the sentences took cover next to the rickety pass that was our only blind
alley.
It was like a passive sentence unlike any that preceded it; it was the passive sentence changed every chaotic energy in my mind; my universe was cosmically
reinvented and life depended thereafter, on what it meant, how, shy... every letter became mislead, every thought would never die, but swoon and flutter in a polite apology, the questions
maintained sober appearances and it startled you at times that you existed and you were in the moment when you were active, and you were the subject and you were rolling along; but yeah when you
were passive, you were cool too.
The difference.
I realized that this was the point in the game, I had options.
“what is it like to be like you?”
I meant to go this far, but you never intended me to.